so tired of fighting

So I got my last exam results through an got a 5 this time. I just cannot believe how badly i have messed up. Last year when I weren't trying passing was good enough for me because I consoled myself with the fact that when I try I'll do better. Only on that count I couldn't have been more WRONG!!

This semester I have got a 10, 7, 6 and 5. I didn't get as low as a 5 when I weren't even trying! For fuck sake. I have let myself down so badly. I'm not even sure whether there is any real point in carrying on with it. I mean if I can't get higher than a low 2:1 then what the hell is the point?

I'm so fed up of fighting to get what I was, fighting to be who I am just for it to all fail. I am really struggling to see the point in it all at this moment in time.

When I first went into education again, I had no belief in myself that I could do it and no belief in the education system. I learnt from school, that I couldn't really do anything, that there was no real hope for me. I believed that. When I really got into college teachers showed me that I could and I begun to believe it myself.

I remember when I went back down south a few years back when I was doing the access level 2. Someone-I won't mention names-asked me if I believed I could pass the course. To which I replied "yer I think I can". This was unheard of for me and I remember this persons reply they said "yer but Samm this is you" and y'know what? For a while I let that knock my confidence. I didn't bother doing any work in college and just messed around.

A few weeks after coming back I was called in to see my tutor, obviously because my behaviour and attitude stunk. She was not at all happy with me but I remember her being shocked when I told her of the conversation I had, had down south. Even though my behaviour stank, my attitude stank and really they should have thrown me off the course there and then, they still took a chance on me because for the first time in my life, I had teachers that believed I could.

This made me want to do well, not just for me, but to make sure I didn't let them down. So I started to believe I could. I begun to work harder. I changed as a person. I was no longer this down trodden little girl that didn't have any faith in herself. I worked hard and it got me somewhere and y'know what I am still proud of that now.

However there is a massive downside to me believing in myself. When I don't get the marks and grades I am aiming for I am hugely disappointed in myself. I'm annoyed that all those teachers from school were right about me. I'm embarrassed at the fact that I talked on and on about how well I was going to do when I don't have the ability to follow through.

I'm just so tired of failing. Tired of feeling like I have let everyone down. I'm just tired.