Many years ago, someone said to me "if someone is truly suicidal they would just do it, they wouldn't tell you" and although I knew that I totally disagreed with this statement I didn't know why or have any real knowledge to back myself up. I just knew that this statement is very far from the truth.
Twice now, I myself have become suicidal, I will tell you about my most recent experience, because I believe this time it clarified a lot for me. I was laying in bed one night with thoughts of suicide jut going round and round in my head. How I would do it, when I would do it, what it would be like. In that night I had set out an entire plan for the next day! However, after starting to take an overdose, something stopped me. I decided to get help instead. I rang the crisis team who told me to go to A&E. By this point I was a total mess. I rang my mum and worked and begged her to come home. Which she did. She took me to an A&E that had a mental health unit. I was so scared for my safety, I truly felt I should be in hospital. They checked I was medically fit and sent down the liason team who, after seeing the disagnosis of a personality disorder, made up their minds that I was not going to be taken into hospital. I tried to explain how unsafe I was feeling, how scared I was feeling but it wasn't going to happen. They referred me back to the crisis team who made no contact with me what so ever. So I rang them two days later, on the Thursday (At this point I have been truly suicidal since monday evening) but I kept hanging on, sure that I would be seen once I'd spoken with the crisis team. However they informed me that they couldn't see me till monday. I couldn't believe it, Iwas expected to wait nearly a week since I sought help to stop me taking my life, before I saw anyone.
I lost it at this point, I just knew I couldn't do this any more. I completely broke down. I wanted to die more than anything in the world at this point. However my dad was in so I couldn't do anything. I felt completely at a loss, as to what to do. I just wanted it all too end and I couldn't see any other way out. Finally my mum got on the phone to them and managed to get me seen that day. Their answer? We'll put you on diazapam for a few weeks and continue to monitor you weekly for six weeks.
I felt like no one was really taking what I was saying seriously. No matter what I said, it seemed like they were saying "you're fine". The reason I believe for this? I truly believe many including health professions still believe that is someone wanted to commit suicide they just would.
Let me now explain what made me seek help rather than just kill myself. Firstly death isn't something I wanted. That is very important to understand. So I can hear many of you saying "so you musn't have wanted to kill yourself if death isn't what you wanted" but you would be wrong. I wanted the pain, the anguish, the constant battle, the overwhelming emotions to stop and death seemed to be the only way to make that happen. So death was just a side affect, but it did not change the fact that I very much wanted to commit suicide because then, all that, that I have just mentioned would stop and I was more than willing to allow death to be part of that.
Now I hear you saying "okay so you wanted to but you sought help so you couldn't 'really' have wanted to, right?" again wrong. I sought help because I had the tiniest bit of hope in me that maybe if I seek help, the pain and anguish will get taken away and I won't have to live this way any more. As I have mentioned I have been put on diazapam for a temporary time. So at this moment in time, this all has gone away and I have no intention of committing suicide. This however is not a long term solution.
Trust me when I say, when someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, they are not just looking for attention, they need help.
