back to the benefits system

A while ago, I wrote about how the benefits system had made my illness so much worse. Now I am going to update youa little on what has happened since.

I got yet another medical form-back in February last year- through which they said they never received. I asked for a new one to be sent out-near the end of March-and was told that I would not be granted an extension but I could put reasons for why it was late and the form would not be regarded as not returned. I received this form around mid to late April. As I was gearing myself up to fill it out (I hate doing these forms as I know they will bring me into a deep deep depression when I realise just how little I can do and just how much my mental health affects me) when a very good, personal friend sadly passed away. I was, to say the least, devistated. So I sent it back much later than I should have, not having filled it out, till around June time. I explained on the form why I hadn't got it back on time. I photocopied the form, but regretfully did not send it recorded delivery (again my mistake). I waited about two months to hear something (two very stressful months) until I rang again and asked what was happening, in August I was told they had not received my form AGAIN and when I asked what would happen was given very little information.

I rang nearly every day because I needed to know what was happening, my mind was close to exploding I was so worried. I rang again in September, I asked whether they had yet received my form and I was told that they had actually received my form back in JULY! So I was lied to and made to panic for well over a month, just because they felt like it I suppose?

Anyhow, when I asked what was happening, I kept being given the same line "it is still being looked over". I'd ask if I'd have to come in for a medical and got that response, was I going to lose my benefits? Same response. I was beyond the point of stress at this point. I was barley holding myself together, what with still grieving over someone I loved and my day to day mental health issues. Yet I could get nothing from them. Eventually (by this point I've lost count of dates and months) I rang and was told I'd have to come in for a medical. Now I really begin to freak out, I really don't want to have another medical where I have to disclose very personal information to a person who doesn't even specialise in mental health.

This time, conscious of the fact that many lies have been told about people in the past and almost certainly in my last medical, I asked for this medical to be recorded! If this request is made, they are obliged by law to ensure the medical is recorded. Now I know they only have a set amount of recording equipment, thatis shared between atos assessment centres (this boggles the mind too, surely if they have to fulfil a request to have something recoded, they should have the money to have the equipment, I mean it's not like they're not getting paid enough). We are now in February 2014, and my appointment for my medical is FINALLY going to be next week (assuming they don't cancel because they were mistaken in thinking they had the equipment on that day-yup that one has happened to me too). I have been stressed and worried about this for nearly a year now. My mental health has declined dramatically.

During all of this time, I get weekly calls (well they stopped in January-no idea why) from my WRAG 'support' officer. to see what is happening. Continuously telling me, they will have to bring me in for an appointment at some point (more stress yay) as it cannot always be over the phone. For this system to understand ones instability when it comes to illness of any kind, seems impossible. Can I go somewhere I have planned if it is not mandatory, most of the time. Can I do the same thing when I risk losing my benefits if I do not? No! Why you may ask, what's the difference? Simple. Pressure. Pressure of any kind at this moment in time makes me fold. I cannot handle it and my mental health begins to take a dramatic decent because I cannot see an end to it all. Just going round and round in the same circles inevitably doomed.

Then we have programs such as "benefit street" & "on benefits and proud" demonsing everyone on benefits. Editing out the bits that don't do just that. Making people on benefits look like dirty little scroungers who all need to just   get a job. Endless news paper articles about this scrounger and that scrounger and how terrible those on benefits are. People believing the economic decent of this country was bought down by those of us unfortunate enough to have to rely on benefits. Even though the clue is right there in what the crisis was called "the banking crisis" not the "benefit scrounger crisis"

This all adds more and more pressure to someone like me, I have a dream of one day working and living my life without all the issues I currently have, but all this pressure is not going to make that happen. I am ashamed to say, new years eve I began to take an overdose. I just wanted out from what I could only see a a roundabout of hell. Through my mental health and the benefits system. I just didn't feel I could take any more. I luckily found the strength to ring my mum and tell her to get home from work because I had started to take an overdose and I needed to get help NOW. So I did not end up taking that over dose, some people say that's a good thing, at times I think it is, at others, when I feel constantly hounded by the benefits system and the relentless press on scroungers, I don't think it was such a good thing. People ask me now, what stops you from doing it now? The honest answer is the risk of failing!

If anyone thinks life on benefits is easy, they are so wrong. If someone could give me my health back I'd be off benefits as quick as possible. I hate the system and the way it hounds me. I hate feeling like a useless member of society and I hate the fact that, that feeling is constantly reinforced daily by the media. I didn't go and get a degree to sit and do nothing with it. I do't choose to be ill, so for all those that think it's unfair I get "free money", personally I feel it is a lot more unfair that others have their health and freedom of choice. Please think about that next time you decide people on benefits are scum. You have choice, you CAN work. I've heard the point "it is horrible for those that go out to work every day, to see those on benefits with their curtains close having a lovely sleep in" take on this point though, it isn't so fun to be the one sitting doing nothing, when you see people going to work every day, just wishing that could be you. It's not so fun watching others lead a life you can only dream of because unfortunately for you, your freedom of choice was stolen from you by illness.

Suicidal, really?

Many years ago, someone said to me "if someone is truly suicidal they would just do it, they wouldn't tell you" and although I knew that I totally disagreed with this statement I didn't know why or have any real knowledge to back myself up. I just knew that this statement is very far from the truth.

Twice now, I myself have become suicidal, I will tell you about my most recent experience, because I believe this time it clarified a lot for me. I was laying in bed one night with thoughts of suicide jut going round and round in my head. How I would do it, when I would do it, what it would be like. In that night I had set out an entire plan for the next day! However, after starting to take an overdose, something stopped me. I decided to get help instead. I rang the crisis team who told me to go to A&E. By this point I was a total mess. I rang my mum and worked and begged her to come home. Which she did. She took me to an A&E that had a mental health unit. I was so scared for my safety, I truly felt I should be in hospital. They checked I was medically fit and sent down the liason team who, after seeing the disagnosis of a personality disorder, made up their minds that I was not going to be taken into hospital. I tried to explain how unsafe I was feeling, how scared I was feeling but it wasn't going to happen. They referred me back to the crisis team who made no contact with me what so ever. So I rang them two days later, on the Thursday (At this point I have been truly suicidal since monday evening) but I kept hanging on, sure that I would be seen once I'd spoken with the crisis team. However they informed me that they couldn't see me till monday. I couldn't believe it, Iwas expected to wait nearly a week since I sought help to stop me taking my life, before I saw anyone.

I lost it at this point, I just knew I couldn't do this any more. I completely broke down. I wanted to die more than anything in the world at this point. However my dad was in so I couldn't do anything. I felt completely at a loss, as to what to do. I just wanted it all too end and I couldn't see any other way out. Finally my mum got on the phone to them and managed to get me seen that day. Their answer? We'll put you on diazapam for a few weeks and continue to monitor you weekly for six weeks.

I felt like no one was really taking what I was saying seriously. No matter what I said, it seemed like they were saying "you're fine". The reason I believe for this? I truly believe many including health professions still believe that is someone wanted to commit suicide they just would.

Let me now explain what made me seek help rather than just kill myself. Firstly death isn't something I wanted. That is very important to understand. So I can hear many of you saying "so you musn't have wanted to kill yourself if death isn't what you wanted" but you would be wrong. I wanted the pain, the anguish, the constant battle, the overwhelming emotions to stop and death seemed to be the only way to make that happen. So death was just a side affect, but it did not change the fact that I very much wanted to commit suicide because then, all that, that I have just mentioned would stop and I was more than willing to allow death to be part of that.

Now I hear you saying "okay so you wanted to but you sought help so you couldn't 'really' have wanted to, right?" again wrong. I sought help because I had the tiniest bit of hope in me that maybe if I seek help, the pain and anguish will get taken away and I won't have to live this way any more. As I have mentioned I have been put on diazapam for a temporary  time. So at this moment in time, this all has gone away and I have no intention of committing suicide. This however is not a long term solution.



Trust me when I say, when someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, they are not just looking for attention, they need help.