I know I have spoken about my anxiety before and I am sure
people get bored of hearing it. I get bored of saying it too, believe me! Any
time anyone asks me to go anywhere, I instantly become filled with a sense of
fear. This would mean being around people and going out of the house. Both of
these things I find difficult. When I feel I just can't do it, which is rather
often, I find that now instead of just saying I am anxious-I come up with
stupid excuses, which I am sure people don't believe (and if any of them read
my blog, will now know to be untrue) as I am fed up with saying, sorry I feel
too anxious. I am sure people find that to be an excuse half the time. So I
just make some stuff up. Meaning a lot of the people I know probably feel I am
just not interested in being their friend, which just isn't the case.
I love to be sociable but I hate it at the same time. I want to have friends over, I want to go out and enjoy myself. I love to sit and chat or go for walks or anything really that means I am around other people. I love to be around other people. I really do! I just can't do it. I don't remember a single time in recent years that I have been in a social situation and not felt anxious, unless I have taken a Valium (I sometimes get them from the doctor, not often though) to make me relaxed but then I am extremely relaxed. People can't tell that I am feeling anxious, hell people can't even tell I am having a panic attack anymore. Well depending on the severity of the panic attack!
It is like I have a constant internal dilemma going on as I want to do these things I just can't. It seems to affect every aspect of my life and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get passed it. A lot of people think I don't try at all but for me, going out of the house for even five minutes presents a challenge. I remember one person telling me I needed to "get out of my comfort zone" which I do every day. My comfort zone is laying in bed and staying there! This is not what I do on a daily basis though. I do not feel comfortable getting out of bed, I do not feel comfortable when I have people over, I do not feel comfortable when I go to the shops. I just don't feel comfortable. I feel anxious and scared most of the time.
I have recently been given anti depressants to try and I have tried them. I found however that they made me drowsey and anxious at the same. I could hardly keep my eyes open but also had no chance of getting any sleep because I was constantly scared that I was going to die. Then when night time came and I decided to go and get some sleep-the anxiety had worn off by now-but then I still couldn't sleep. I was awake till well gone 7am! This was not ideal as I had a lot going on and had no time for no sleep. It was like the day from hell only worse. My only escape from anxiety is sleeping. Whether that be napping in the day or sleeping at night. Yet this didn't just take one away from me it took both! I had an entire night and day feeling anxious. No sleep and completely drowsy. The next day I found I felt depressed and sluggish. I was sure this was down to the lack of sleep, which I did manage to catch up on, but then I still felt depressed after that. I don't see how the hell I will get through two weeks of that, and then maybe feel better. The thought of trying to take them again fills me with terror.
I get so angry at myself for this, because there is a chance that if I could just get through the first 2-3 weeks of anti depressants making me feel worse than I already do, there is a chance I would feel better. However I can't seem to do that. I feel trapped by my own mind. I want to feel like me again, without all these constant extreme feelings. Just be myself and not constantly worry about what everyone thinks of me, or what I am saying, or how I am saying it. To be able to just sit and have a conversation without a million things running through my mind, from whether I am going to die or not, to whether what I just said is being perceived as stupid.
The best part of all of this is, when I am not anxious I worry about why I am not anxious. What is happening that means I am not anxious. Anxiety has become such a big part of my life. I completely see that everything happens for a reason and I know without my anxiety the chances that I would ever have graduated university are stupidly slim! So I can see why I have suffered with it, yet it all seems like it has become too much now and I fear that for me there is no way out.
