Things in my life seem to be going pretty well right now. I have managed to get through to see a psychiatrist after years of fighting for something other than CBT; I have been found as unfit for work, giving me the time and space I need to get better; I have been housed in a flat in an area I kind of know. Basically things in my life seem to be going in the right direction. This should make me happy right? I should be sitting here feeling positive and excited right?
For some reason however, I feel the positive feelings for maybe an hour or so and then I am back to feeling anxious or depressed. I sit and try and force myself to see the good in my life and I honestly do know there is a lot of good in my life right now. It doesn't change this feeling of wanting to run and hide and not come out again for a very long time.
I know people must be tired of me going on, when everything in my life seems to be going the way I need it to and yet I still am not happy. I can really understand why that may annoy people/ I don't want to see anyone for this reason. I can keep the fake positivity online (apart from this blog post :P) but in person I am finding it increasingly difficult to do that. I know that I have good friends in my life and I am lucky for that but one day the way I am will push every last one of them away and so now I just avoid people-that way when I do see them I can do everything possible to appear positive and happy. Then maybe I won't lose them.
One day I plan on really feeling and being positive, right now I'm just working on getting out of bed and appearing as somewhat happy.
