y'know I have been scared of just about everything for around 9 years now. So I started to wonder what it is that scares me most.
The first thing that scares me most is the fear I have of being like this forever. The fear I feel about never being able to work. Or never being able to go out of the house without feeling anxious. Never being able to feel relaxed and at ease without going into a panic attack. Never having friends over without constantly feeling on edge. Never being able to go and visit a friend without questioning it at every step and worrying about it the night before. Never being able to go about a days business without feeling stressed out and scared. this terrifies me. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life. I want to wake up and feel okay to go out and work and all of those things that I can't do right now.
However the other thing that scares the hell out of me is, and this will sound stupid, getting better. It terrifies me. This is not something that I have ever admitted to anyone, even myself. As it makes it sound as though I don't want to get better, but I really do. It is just the fear of who I am without the anxiety. When I moved to Spain I learnt who I was, I learnt what I believed in. I begun to behave like me without worrying about how other people perceived me. I grew into an adult. I became me.
Whilst finding out who I was though, I had anxiety. Meaning the anxiety became part of me, without me even realising. It is the thing that stops me doing things. It is the thing that controls my behaviour and part of me wonders who I will be without it. Will I suddenly start drinking? Will I suddenly start partying every night away? If I only have a little fear about something, I will normally follow it through, I have become used to that fear. I do not let a little fear control me. I need to feel extreme anxiety to stop me doing something. My fear is, without the extreme anxiety, I will get myself into all sorts of stupid situations. that scares the hell out of me.
So at the same time as fearing being like this for the rest of my life. I also fear not being like this for the rest of my life, to the same degree.
