What's the point in a student rep?
So this year I was appointed student rep a while a go, I thought this would be a good thing, something good to put on my CV while at the same time giving a voice to the students. Sounds great, right? Wrong!!
Firstly there is no point in student reps, when they're not really listened to in the first place. I bought up a good few issues at the meeting, that the notes reflected nothing but dismissal, even if the tutors did try and deny it, this is still what came across in the notes. Not just to me either. One other student actually said "the notes basically say, here are the issues and here is why you are wrong".
I feel as a student rep I should bring this to light, as I am here to represent the students. Yet it feels to me as though I am being made out to be doing this, purely to cause trouble. Yet I have been in so many situations where teachers have hated me, I know what hell it makes my life and I wouldn't want to do something that I know will get tutors to hate me if I didn't feel it necessary.
So I emailed my points across to said tutor and again was met with a list of reasons I was wrong. I then arranged an appointment to see the subject feild leader and the tutor that attended the meeting. I felt that this is something that couldn't be dropped as it seemed to have a negative impact on students who are currently studying, which I thought was unfair.
I got a letter from one of the students who felt that one point was unfair-this was about dyslexia and still having comments on your work about written expression, spelling and grammar, even though these should not be taken into account, basically this student was unhappy as it is frustrating to keep getting told your sentence structure isn't great, your spelling is poor, your grammar needs work blah blah blah, as no matter how much they try, they produce the same results. The fact is, you then start to try and change it, which is even more frustrating as you are then trying to do a lot more than you are capable of. Which can then hinder your work. It is not like students with dyslexia don't know that their work is not to the same standard as everyone else, yet having it pointed out very time you hand in work is like poking someone in on crutches and saying "you can't walk the same as everyone else" it is pointing out the obvious and totally pointless. I can really relate to this, as I have dyslexia and I know myself it is frustrating, however I also knew I couldn't bring it about as my issue, mainly because it was not my issue, it was bought up by someone else, I could just understand the viewpoint-so the letter basically said there was no point in leaving comments about grammar and the fact that comments were there, concerns her. This was discussed at length and at least an email was sent out to explain students with the yellow sticker were not being marked down for these things. Which clearly is not really resolving the problem as students with dyslexia are still having useless comments on their work that do them no good at all.
then we got onto another issue about a member of staff, and I was basically told I was lying about it. Why the hell I would lie about something like that I have no idea, especially as it wasn't an issue that was bought to me. This was an issue bought to another student rep, yet when I was talking about it with this student rep, someone else asked me if I was talking about this member of staff as relayed to me how they felt about it. So I then triple checked the facts with her, so I knew I was going in with the correct facts. Yet I got told "that seems very unusual as that is not the story I get, but I will email (member of staff).
I was also informed that if people have specific problems with the notes, they should go to the tutors and not come through me, as then they are getting things third hand. Well correct me if I am wrong, but surely a student rep is there, for the students to discuss issues with and then have that relayed to tutors. I do not understand what I am missing here. I tried to explain that some students do not feel confident enough to do so, so would rather go through me. However it honestly felt like I was being made out to be a liar and anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate liars. Why would anyone put themselves in a position of arguing with tutors purely for the fun of it? I mean this is going to have a knock on affect for me, as it will no doubt be relayed to other tutors that I tried to cause trouble, when in reality I did exactly what I was appointed to do, I gave a voice to the students!
So I may finally be getting somewhere. After 7 years of fighting with doctors and arguing that CBT does not work for me, I think I am finally being taken seriously! I received a call at 9:06 this morning. I 'd had 0 hours sleep all night so weren't really in the mood for a phone call, but I didn't recognise the number, so it had me a little intrigued. So I answered.
It was the people from the healthy minds network. I know that their first port of call is CBT, so I weren't holding out much hope for anything further than that and I knew full well if that was what they offered me I was going to decline and try once more t go back to the doctors. Yet this time, she said "I see you have had four lots of CBT, did you find that in any way helpful". Of course I answered no, as it just isn't helpful t me. I explained that my last therapist actually said to me, that I was doing all that was required, but it just isn't working for me. This is the point where I expected her to say "well sorry, there is not really much we can do for you the" and I'd be back at square one, as always. Only she didn't.
She informed me that I could go for an assessment and then be referred on to either the psychology or psychiatry department. She said there are four levels. The first is self help, then medication then CBT and then what they are now referring me to. She explained because this has been a long standing problem, and that very little seems to have helped, she does not see a problem with being referred on for the fourth level.
Apparently, if CBT doesn't work, places like this should refer on to the fourth level, especially if it is a long standing problem. I do not really understand why I have been discharged from CBT four times, without any recommendation for further treatment. I mean surely after the fourth time, it was pretty obvious that this just is not going to work for me.
Anyhow, I have my appointment for assessment, on whether I am in need of longer term treatment, in three weeks time. I am kind of glad I hadn't slept all night, otherwise, I doubt I would have been so open on the phone. I am just hoping that this is it. This is the time, when someone listen to me and takes my issues seriously. I really and truly hope, that for once, I will feel like I am being taken seriously and not just being palmed off and told that CBT is the only way. As if this time I get nowhere, I am not sure I have enough fight in me to once again, fight for the treatment I believe I deserve.
So being in my third year is tough. I always knew it was going to be tough but right now, I'm not even sure I can do it. I'm stressed by the amount of work I have on, and yet I seem to lose a lot of my motivation, I suppose because I am terrified that if I put everything I have into this and don't get a good mark, or even worse, fail, I will not believe I am able to do anything.
I honestly think it was a mistake going to university while I still have axiety and depression as that takes up so much of my time. Like yesterday for instance, I was sitting transcribing-and getting quite far may I add-when all of a suddon this massive wave of anxiety hit me. I wanted to carry on, I needed to carry on. I really do not have the time to be taking breaks due to anxiety, however I could not carry on. I had to stop because this anxiety was not going away. I tried to fight it, I tried to be strong, but the anxiety won out, yet again.
I strongly believe I would be doing much better right now, if it were not for the anxiety and depression. I would go to the library regularly, I would sit and study without suddenly being over come by fear. All these things would improve my grades massively. Yet I also know that there are plenty of people out there that don't even believe that I have anxiety in the firt place. I mean people often do not believe what they cannot see.
This is something I fnd I also struggle with. I have had anxiety for at least 8 years now, it comes to a point where you learn to only panic on the inside, and therefore it looks, much of the time, like I am simply making excuses. I wish I were. If I were making excuses, at least I'd be able to give myself a kick up the butt and get going again. Yet for me it is not as simple as that. When I kick myself up the butt, and force myself to do the things that scare me, I then find it makes things all the worse, I begin to crack under the pressure and begin to spirel back into an even worse state.
I was hoping, that while at uni, I would work on getting myself better. I would be able to come out of it, well and able to work a full time job. I am ashamed to say, this has not happened. There is no way when I finish I will be able to work. Even if I pass, I will still manage to feel like a failiur. I mean who goes to uni for three years and then comes out of it and goes on unemployment benefits? I know-or rather I believe-I have a good reason. Yet I still feel many people judging me as a result.
I do plan on somehow having a gradual reintroduction to work, as I believe that is the only way I will ever really be able to do it. Yet I fear this will not be good enough for many. I fear that many will still judge and believe me to be lazy. Sometimes I wish I could show outward signs of my anxiety, I wish people could see what it does. Yet that will never happen because I have become so cotrolled in it, that most of the time, when I am feeling extreme anxiety I appear to be completely normal.
