I'm not that girl from walderslade, but really I am

For the last 5 years, I can hand on heart say I have changed so much things in my life for the better. Five years ago, it was difficult for me to even go out the house. I feared everything. I wouldn't attempt anything, just in case I failed, because then I would feel shit about myself. As it was, I felt shit about myself anyway, as I never did anything to positively change my life. So I made a decision, I was going to do something. I couldn't just sit around hoping I'd just get better, without doing anything about it. So I decided to go to college.

I worked hard at being in college. Getting there and being there. But I did it. and I was bloody proud of it and for a long time I have believed that I had changed. I had become more confident. I was no longer the weak girl from walderslade I once was. I was strong and independent. I could do anything I wanted and I was happy talking to people I'd never met before.

However, I have increasingly noticed that I am still that girl from walderslade. I still feel as pathetic as her. I still feel as insecure as her and I still feel as though most people around me are better than me. I don't usually pay much attention to this. As far as I am concerned she is my past, I am my future. Yet this isn't the case.

Feeling as though you somehow cause trouble, are looked down upon by others (I know this is only how I feel and I have no real idea what other people are thinking about me), feeling as though everything you do is shite and feeling as though no matter what you do, people will eventually walk away, are horrible feelings. I don't think there is anything anyone could say or do to change those feelings in me though. As they come from a past I have as yet not dealt with.

Was it England?....................The weather kind of showed it was

Wow, I have just spent the week in the lake district and what a beautiful place it is. I was seriously speechless and the beauty there is in England. If it weren't for the lovely windy weather, I would never have thought I was even in England! The views really are spectacular, it is also so relaxing. I am not the most relaxed of people but being there, you couldn't be stressed. It was just so pretty!

Usually I'm not big on car journeys, they normally cause me to feel highly anxious, so the night before I went I decided not to sleep, well I had about an hour, so that I could sleep in the car on the way there. I also had some tablets to take to keep me calm, however I only ended up having an hour in the car too lol. I didn't take any of my tablets though, which I'm quite proud of, being as normally being in the car for an hour or more is too much for me to take, yet I managed a good few hours in the car without any medication. I didn't want to take it before we left as I thought to myself, if I take it before I feel any anxiety then I will just be telling myself that I can't do it without medication. Don't get me wrong, the idea of being in a car for a long period of time still makes me feel anxious, but at least now I know I can give it a bloody good shot.

Anyway, the holiday is something even I didn't realise I needed. I had allowed myself to get into such a rut. Sitting in my bed all day every day, not getting dressed. Basically allowing my depression to take over. I really fought with myself about going, as I was so worried my anxiety would prevent me from doing things. In the end I went and I am so glad I did.

The lake district is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, in my life. It is hard to be stressed up there. I mean you look out the window and see a lovely mountain-black combe mountain to be precise-well you could from where I was staying. Driving around was pleasant too. Everywhere I looked there were more amazing views and there is not a single picture I took that really shows how breathtaking the views are. There are no words to really and truely describe the beauty of the lake district.

One of my favourite places I went was wast water-I think that is what it was called-it is completely un commercialised, untouched. It is just nature at it's best. I honestly would not have thought it of England. I had seen pictures of the lake district and I thought it looked really beautiful but I never imagined it would leave me lost for words. The only tell tail sign that we were still in England was the weather!

The first full day we had there was brilliant sunshine. Really nice weather, I could easily walk around in a vest top, short trousers and sandals. So that day, it was really hard to believe I was still in England. Then came the rest of the week. There were days that we thought the caravan was going to blow over-standing out in the wind, you'd think you were going to be blown away! I think at one point, Alifie-Sharon's dog-was blown off his feet lol.

Yet even this bad weather didn't make it horrible. I loved being there. Absolutely loved it. It was just so peaceful. We went into a town one day, here when you go into town everyone is in a rush and pushing past you and it is just plain stressful, yet up there there was no one really rushing about, it was a much more pleasant experience.

I feel that a lot of good has come from this holiday and I have Sharon to thank for that. It has kind of given me some hope that I can get some form of my life back and I damn well intend to! :D