Inside my head I am a mess, feeling completely absorbed by stress. Like there is no escape.While outwardly I smile; laugh; say all the right things, inwardly I am screaming for someone to help me please.
With no idea how to cope or even how to let go, I find I want to scream and cry and let this all out. Yet something inside my head is saying "no you cannot show that level of vulnerability", telling me I cannot cry, I cannot scream I cannot allow myself to be out of control. I cannot allow myself to let it flow out.
Every day I wake up wondering whether this will ever change but surely there must be an answer? Something deep within. A reason I am like this, a reason it can be over come. How do I find this though? What do I do?
So many seem to think I make this out to be worse than it is, when they see me out and about they assume I must be fine. They do not see the struggle inside, the voice in my head screaming that I cannot do this. The adrenaline, telling me to run. The amount I have to push myself just to get out of the door. Sometimes I want to stop pushing myself so hard, I want to just let it be, but I know I cannot do that, as I do not want to end up a prisoner in my own flat. I have to push myself, I have to try and go out.
Some days I manage to control the fear, instead of the fear controlling me. I work hard to make sure no one can see that right in that moment I am having a panic attack. This does not mean I do not struggle, I do not fight and I simply just make it out worse than it is, it means I have become good at hiding what is reallly going on in my head at that moment in time.
Yet no matter how hard I try, how much I push myself, no matter what I do, I just cannot seem to get past this wall, that in there standing between me and getting better. I try to break it down, I try to keep on going, but still it stays knocking me back at every attempt.
I sometimes wonder how much more I can take? Whether I can continue to fight and to be. Yet I know I have to fight, I know I have to be. I want to live, just not with this pain and fear. I want to be free of it, I want to be okay.
I wish my life were a little simpler and not so hard to get through and just be.
