meds or not?

I am thinking of going on medication for my anxiety. I know I cannot keep going the way I am. It is frustrating when I want to do things like go into town or go to the library. Yet my anxiety is too high for me to eve move from my bedroom. Or I have a simple bruise and I manage to convince myself it is something serious because I don't know where it came from. It becomes tiring to keep going round this loop over and over again.

I've been thinking maybe it is time I try medication again, only I'm not sure. I've tried before and I never get past the first couple of days because they tend to make me more anxious and I know that can go on for up to 3-4 weeks. My problem is, that when I get more anxious it means I can't move out my room. Now there is no point in my life that I have 4 weeks to feel that anxious. Besides that I don't want to spend 4 weeks feeling that anxious.

Also I have a little problem with giving the responsibility of me getting better to medication, rather than taking that on myself. yet I'm not getting very far myself. I mean every year I set myself goals for each year. Last year I said that for my 25th I'd hold myself a party. Yet that didn't even come close to happening.

I have my graduation (hopefully) next year and I have no idea, if I am still the way I am, how the hell I am going to do that. If I go on medication now, it could mean I can't do other things I've got planned and I can't wait till after those things I have planned because then I have uni.

This decision is going to be a hard one.....................

I love to cook

So just recently I have been cooking up meals every now an again an y'know what? I love it! I stopped cooking up anything for a while. Couldn't be bothered to actually cook an entire pie or lasagne because I'd eat a little and then forget to freeze the rest and it'd be wasted. So I kinda gave up.

However the other Sunday when I went to see my dad, I cooked up a roast dinner. Which are surprisingly easy to cook! Okay the prep work isn't so easy but once that is done, you're pretty much there! I took a good few hours to cook but I didn't get annoyed or bored because I was enjoying cooking it.

My cooked up roast inner (apart from Yorkshires, mine went wrong so those where frozen earlier lol):

I also cooked up a pie the other night too. It weren't perfect but it weren't far off either. I didn't thicken the gravy on the inside enough so that part didn't turn out too great but you have gravy with the meal anyway so that weren't the end of the world! I also didn't have any scales so had to guess the measurements for the pastry. I knew it was two parts flour one part butter (Well after I rang my house mate and got her to check the recipe my dad had written down for me! lol) but without scales that was a pure guess. Y'know what though? The pastry turned out better than it ever ha before! So from now on, I shall always do the pastry by guesstimate rather than actually measuring it out.

Y'know what now? I am going to keep cooking. I will cook a bunch of meals up every time I have a spare time and then freeze them. Home made ready made meals are by far much better than shop bought ready made meals and they are also much much much healthier!! lol

so tired of fighting

So I got my last exam results through an got a 5 this time. I just cannot believe how badly i have messed up. Last year when I weren't trying passing was good enough for me because I consoled myself with the fact that when I try I'll do better. Only on that count I couldn't have been more WRONG!!

This semester I have got a 10, 7, 6 and 5. I didn't get as low as a 5 when I weren't even trying! For fuck sake. I have let myself down so badly. I'm not even sure whether there is any real point in carrying on with it. I mean if I can't get higher than a low 2:1 then what the hell is the point?

I'm so fed up of fighting to get what I was, fighting to be who I am just for it to all fail. I am really struggling to see the point in it all at this moment in time.

When I first went into education again, I had no belief in myself that I could do it and no belief in the education system. I learnt from school, that I couldn't really do anything, that there was no real hope for me. I believed that. When I really got into college teachers showed me that I could and I begun to believe it myself.

I remember when I went back down south a few years back when I was doing the access level 2. Someone-I won't mention names-asked me if I believed I could pass the course. To which I replied "yer I think I can". This was unheard of for me and I remember this persons reply they said "yer but Samm this is you" and y'know what? For a while I let that knock my confidence. I didn't bother doing any work in college and just messed around.

A few weeks after coming back I was called in to see my tutor, obviously because my behaviour and attitude stunk. She was not at all happy with me but I remember her being shocked when I told her of the conversation I had, had down south. Even though my behaviour stank, my attitude stank and really they should have thrown me off the course there and then, they still took a chance on me because for the first time in my life, I had teachers that believed I could.

This made me want to do well, not just for me, but to make sure I didn't let them down. So I started to believe I could. I begun to work harder. I changed as a person. I was no longer this down trodden little girl that didn't have any faith in herself. I worked hard and it got me somewhere and y'know what I am still proud of that now.

However there is a massive downside to me believing in myself. When I don't get the marks and grades I am aiming for I am hugely disappointed in myself. I'm annoyed that all those teachers from school were right about me. I'm embarrassed at the fact that I talked on and on about how well I was going to do when I don't have the ability to follow through.

I'm just so tired of failing. Tired of feeling like I have let everyone down. I'm just tired.

Why, just why?

So I have something called "statcounter" on my blog, which means I get an in depth view of whoever is looking at my blog.

for the past month or two on my old blog and this one I have had some very strange 'views'. From people that supposedly hate me. Now I can understand looking at a persons blog every now and again cause well we are all nosey aren't we? Even I do it with a few people I dislike. However I do not view it up to 3-4 times a day. maybe once every two months, but not every day!

Yet this seems to be what is happening with me. Why would someone want to view a blog of someone they dislike, so many times? I don't get it. Surely people have better things to do with their time?

Oh well each to their own and for those of you reading this that think I am the personification of evil, please enjoy your read :)

A 7 are you kidding me??

So I got my cognitive exam results back today and to say I am disappointed yet again is a bit of an understatement. I studied really hard for this exam. Seriously so much of my life was taken up working on my cognitive exam and I got a 7!! It hardly seems like it was worth taking the exam in the first place. Okay so it is not a fail but it is only just a pass.

I am so annoyed at myself. I think I am really going to have to step up my game in my third year. I don't think I will have time for friends or anything like that really. I will just have to study every single day. I have no idea how the hell I am going to get better grades but I have to do something because a seven well that just aint good enough in my opinion!

My dad

I've made many posts complaining about my mum on my blog, yet I haven't spoken of my dad very often. This seems very wrong as I couldn't ask for a better dad. Honestly he really is a saint. Anyone that knows my family would agree. He has put up with so much and yet he is still there, still putting up with everything and rarely complaining about any of it. I have no idea how he does it, he is a better person than me.

When I as growing up, me and my dad didn't really know each other, not properly. We never sat and spoke or anything like that. I think that was largely my doing. See I would often lie to him about my mums drinking-I thought I had to, to keep the family together I guess. So I think part of me stopped myself getting close to my dad otherwise I'd probably feel guilty for lying to him all the time.

I started to become closer to my dad when we moved to Spain. As my eyes opened to what my mum was doing, I guess I allowed myself to become closer as I had stopped lying to him all the time. Yet due to the atmosphere in the house, what with my mum being the way she was, I ended up rarely staying at home. So We never forged that much of a relationship. We were better than we had ever been but I don't think I felt close to my dad or really appreciated him that much.

When he moved back from Spain I think I saw him as the man he is for the first time in my life. He does everything in that house, honestly, cooks, cleans, pays the bills and basically keeps the house running. I practically had to battle him to allow me to do the washing up. Although after a while I did stop trying because he would say "there is big stuff". It didn't matter that I was 23 and quite capable of washing up the "big stuff" lol. Yet bless him hen I stopped offering he'd moan that I hadn't done the washing up lmao.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that my dad will be there for me completely whenever I need him and I do feel, just like many others do, he is a bloody saint. I feel so lucky to have him as my dad and I will always love him. Even when he don't allow me to do the washing up because of the "big stuff" :P

time to make the big decisions

So next year I am hoping to complete my third year of uni. I never saw me saying that sentence, not ever! Seriously, me completing university? How the hell did that happen lol. I was in an access to learning fund meeting where the lecturer said “you are all highly intelligent individuals, you have proven that by getting into uni and completing you exams for the last 2 years”. Ha! I never considered myself a highly intelligent human being, still don’t really. In my mind, he was talking to everyone else and what he was saying had nothing at all to do with me! Lmao.

Anyway, now is the time I need to start thinking, what the hell am I going to do with myself one I have completed uni? I mean I never envisaged myself completing uni in the first place, so although I gave the talk of I’m going to do this, I’m going to do that. I don’t think I ever really believed it. Yet here I am deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life and I have come to the conclusion that I most definitely wish to become a counsellor. The thing that I wanted to do when I first set out on this journey 5 years ago! lol. I have been through so many different career choices since then buut I always come back to wanting to become a counsellor. So that is probably the right move for me. I mean I wouldn’t come back to it if it were not would I?

So there is my choice now it is just how I go about getting there. I have been searching for ages on how to become a counsellor but am struggling to find what I can do if I already have a degree, so my next move is going to be making another appointment with careers and find out how to go about becoming a qualified counsellor. I have tried looking into the open university courses but not had much luck with that to be honest. Seems that a lot of the courses out there are either before degree level or degree level but having a degree in counselling does not make you a qualified counsellor. So I am a little stuck at the moment.

I do however know that I shall be moving once I finish my degree. My mum has been away for the past couple of weeks and I have been a changed person because I’m not constantly expecting to get called back or wondering what’s happening. I know if I move away I can’t be called up by her and have to go round, or feel like I should be doing something because I won’t be living there so it won’t be so easy for me to pop round there and help out. So I think I will become a little more strict with myself and be able to distance myself from it all.

I have spoken to one of my best friends about this and she suggested maybe moving up there to Prestatyn and that seems like a good plan to me to be honest. I mean I’m too far away to go running whenever she needs me yet close enough, that i anything happens I can get there quickly enough. This however means I need to either find a course in counselling there or do an OU course in it. Which as I have mentioned before I am struggling to find one. I just don’t want to have done all of this for nothing.

I have considered taking a year old to kind of rest and bring myself to a better place. I started all this because I decided I wanted to get an education whilst I was ill so I weren’t sitting on my backside doing nothing. Yet now I feel my education is putting so much pressure on me I don’t have time to get well. Don’t get me wrong, nothing will make me give up university. Not a thing but I think I have in a way forgotten about getting well and have started to accept being ill and I really do not want that. So maybe a year out is what I need. Time to recuperate and actually work on getting better and then going into counsellor training? Who knows. All these questions in my head and no answers as yet lol