Missing Spain

A lot of the time, people will hear me say "I hated Spain", "I would never live there again" ect. Yet recently I have begun to miss the life I had there. Yes this is the place where my world crumbled around me and I crumbled a long with it. However, it is also the place, that I began to become independent. The place where I met people (only some) that cared about me, just because I was me. A Place I learnt that I was also important.

Moving there, was most definitely the best thing I could ever have done for myself. I often talk about the negatives of my anxiety, yet there was one huge advantage to the fact that I developed anxiety. Without it, I would never have moved to Spain. Meaning I wouldn't be in university now.

There was so much good that came from Spain, that at times I realise I am truly lucky to have ever been there. Take my Friend Kel. Now, I would have no idea what to do without her. She is one of the greatest friends I have ever had. Her family became like my family. I'd never really experienced that in my life. Sure before I moved to Spain I had people that I considered family, but that soon went away, once I moved to Spain and these people realised I could no longer do anything for them. I was suddenly worth nothing to them, they didn't really have a desire to keep in touch-well at least that it how it felt. Yet this time round, it as different.

I was in such a bad place, I couldn't really do anything, to help anyone else. I was a mess and needed people to be there for me. I never thought I'd get that though. I never thought I was important enough to get that. Yet Kelly's family gave me that. They gave me somewhere, where I could feel safe. I can never ever repay them for everything they did. My life is so different now, as a result of how they gave me a sense of self worth.

However now I feel that sense diminishing, fast! I am again feeling that I can't be cared about, unless I can do for others. This is no ones fault. There is no one to blame. There is no one, that I help, that has made me feel this way. It is just the way I have become and it is the way I feel my self worth is dependant purely on those that I can help. I know this is something I need to deal with and I will. I am just unsure of how.

This is why I think I am missing Spain. I miss the person I was then. I miss the safety I felt. I miss the life I had. Which to me is the most shocking thing, I have said in years!