Say I go out to a friends and have a really good enjoyable time, every single time without fail I am anxious I feel a fear that I will have a panic attack and make a fool out of myself. So I find that I tend to avoid situations where I am around people or where people expect anything from me because it is just too damn hard to try and be somewhat 'normal' around people.
Have you ever been scared? I mean really scared, where you feel that at any moment your life will be over? Where you feel a need to either run as fast as you can, or fight as hard as you can? In other words have you ever been in total fear of your life? If the answer is yes and you don't suffer with panic attacks then it is more than likely that it was due to an actual threat being present right? Now imagine no threat being present but getting all the symptoms of that fear.
My problem is I tend to spend my days worrying that I will get that reaction and it stays and niggles in my mind and I become really frightened. Scared that at any moment I will make a complete fool of myself by screaming that I am going to die, crying because I really believe I am going to die. Hyperventilating and becoming dizzy and basically spoiling everyone else's good time! So for me I find it easier to avoid being around people because then I don't have to worry about my anxiety kicking off. Although it still does, it just isn't as often as when I am with people.
This you can imagine impacts my life very negatively as I don't really have one! I spend my time basically in my house. I don't have the strength to continually fight it. I just feel too tired of fighting it. It is such a battle every day just to be half normal.
Then there is my depression, that s definitely a contributing factor to the way I am. Some days the thought of getting out of bed is a thought I cannot take. I find that when I wake up I think to myself "what fresh hell will be in store for me today then?" I don't wake up and just get on with the day. Some days I wake up and go back to sleep and just try to sleep as often as possible because it is an escape from the fear and sense of helplessness I feel. I find that easier to deal with than constantly having to pain a smile on my face and pretend al is okay.
I feel that every day is a struggle. and I have lost the will to fight it. People say I have a lot going for me but I cannot see it. For years I have feared what will happen if I never get better, if this is my entire life. How the hell will I be able to live with that? I don't even cope with every day life!
So you see, although in theory it is a good idea not to write about my problems. Most of the time my problems are my life and I feel this is the only way I can really express them. If people don't want to read about my problems, they don't have to read my blog do they? It really is quite simple!
Y'know, I actually CAN understand how you feel because I also feel like that a lot of the time, only my fear isn't of panic attacks, it's of physical pain. A lot of the time I wake up and just think "oh God, can I deal with more pain today?" and really don't want to get up at all. Sleeping is so much easier because there isn't any pain then. There are no pain killers that help, and I know it's NEVER going to get better, no matter what I do. But I have to fight it otherwise that surgeon saved my life for nothing, and life's too valuable to just throw away. I have to carry on doing whatever I'm still able to, even though a lot of the time I really don't feel I can face anything. I worry that if I go out I'll get ill (which in the worse case scenario could lead to me soiling myself and you can imagine how embarrassing THAT is), but the way I see it is if I don't face those fears, I may as well be 6 foot under and that just isn't an option.
ReplyDelete