"Eating and food" complicated stuff

When I was growing up I had a little eating disorder. I was really good at hiding it. I used to pretend that I was having dinner at my neighbours at lunch I would just tell my mum that I had taken a sandwich to school, but I wouldn't have. I found ways to make people believe I was eating, I did eat, probably just not as much as I should have. At one point, eating anything made me heave, especially apples and potato's. I have gotten over the whole apple thing, but boiled potato's still send me sick to this day. I can't have them near any of my other food, because they really make me gag. Anyway at one point it had gotten so bad my periods stopped for I think a year. This still didn't seem to have any effect.

When I moved to Spain I found that it got a little worse. It was too hot to eat anyway, so I definitely did not get any better then. Then when I did eat, if I felt I had eaten too much, I would go and make myself sick because I was so scared and felt guilty I think. I think back then it was a way for me to control things. Although through all of this, my mum didn't seem to notice that I was really skinny and hardly ever ate in front of her. So I think I believed I had something that was mine and that I was in control and no one could take that away from me.

Once I started college and really started to work at it, I don't think I thought much about eating, I needed to eat to get energy to do well. So I think around that time, I just started to go with it and I put on 2 stone. I didn't notice though. Although other people still seemed to think I was too skinny and that could sometimes trigger off my no eating.

I think looking back I can see that I was ill and getting control over my life kinda took away my need to control my eating. I think after that I just allowed myself to eat what I wanted when I wanted and it was good for me.

However, I have now noticed that I have gone the other way. I eat crap all the time. Seriously I am always hungry. I could eat till I felt sick and I will still eat more. This drives me mad for two reasons, I had pigging out like that but I also hate not being in control of it, which I am not. I try to eat normally but I just have to snack all the time too.

So the other day I went to the doctors about it. Because feeling hungry and weak no matter what you eat, sure aint fun. I really have had enough of it. S she spoke to me about everything asked if I was making myself sick, which I'm not. Because I binge eat, so she thought maybe I was eating and puking but I'm glad to say I'm not.

She thinks it is highly likely that I am now using food as a comfort. She thinks it is most likely down to moods and due to my eating disorder in the past, it is clear that I use food as a means of feeling better.

So I'm going to have blood tests to confirm there is nothing wrong then we are going to try and get to the bottom of my relationship with food. I already have many messed up relationships in my life, good to add one more to that ha ha ha ha.