I'm not that girl from walderslade, but really I am

For the last 5 years, I can hand on heart say I have changed so much things in my life for the better. Five years ago, it was difficult for me to even go out the house. I feared everything. I wouldn't attempt anything, just in case I failed, because then I would feel shit about myself. As it was, I felt shit about myself anyway, as I never did anything to positively change my life. So I made a decision, I was going to do something. I couldn't just sit around hoping I'd just get better, without doing anything about it. So I decided to go to college.

I worked hard at being in college. Getting there and being there. But I did it. and I was bloody proud of it and for a long time I have believed that I had changed. I had become more confident. I was no longer the weak girl from walderslade I once was. I was strong and independent. I could do anything I wanted and I was happy talking to people I'd never met before.

However, I have increasingly noticed that I am still that girl from walderslade. I still feel as pathetic as her. I still feel as insecure as her and I still feel as though most people around me are better than me. I don't usually pay much attention to this. As far as I am concerned she is my past, I am my future. Yet this isn't the case.

Feeling as though you somehow cause trouble, are looked down upon by others (I know this is only how I feel and I have no real idea what other people are thinking about me), feeling as though everything you do is shite and feeling as though no matter what you do, people will eventually walk away, are horrible feelings. I don't think there is anything anyone could say or do to change those feelings in me though. As they come from a past I have as yet not dealt with.

Was it England?....................The weather kind of showed it was

Wow, I have just spent the week in the lake district and what a beautiful place it is. I was seriously speechless and the beauty there is in England. If it weren't for the lovely windy weather, I would never have thought I was even in England! The views really are spectacular, it is also so relaxing. I am not the most relaxed of people but being there, you couldn't be stressed. It was just so pretty!

Usually I'm not big on car journeys, they normally cause me to feel highly anxious, so the night before I went I decided not to sleep, well I had about an hour, so that I could sleep in the car on the way there. I also had some tablets to take to keep me calm, however I only ended up having an hour in the car too lol. I didn't take any of my tablets though, which I'm quite proud of, being as normally being in the car for an hour or more is too much for me to take, yet I managed a good few hours in the car without any medication. I didn't want to take it before we left as I thought to myself, if I take it before I feel any anxiety then I will just be telling myself that I can't do it without medication. Don't get me wrong, the idea of being in a car for a long period of time still makes me feel anxious, but at least now I know I can give it a bloody good shot.

Anyway, the holiday is something even I didn't realise I needed. I had allowed myself to get into such a rut. Sitting in my bed all day every day, not getting dressed. Basically allowing my depression to take over. I really fought with myself about going, as I was so worried my anxiety would prevent me from doing things. In the end I went and I am so glad I did.

The lake district is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, in my life. It is hard to be stressed up there. I mean you look out the window and see a lovely mountain-black combe mountain to be precise-well you could from where I was staying. Driving around was pleasant too. Everywhere I looked there were more amazing views and there is not a single picture I took that really shows how breathtaking the views are. There are no words to really and truely describe the beauty of the lake district.

One of my favourite places I went was wast water-I think that is what it was called-it is completely un commercialised, untouched. It is just nature at it's best. I honestly would not have thought it of England. I had seen pictures of the lake district and I thought it looked really beautiful but I never imagined it would leave me lost for words. The only tell tail sign that we were still in England was the weather!

The first full day we had there was brilliant sunshine. Really nice weather, I could easily walk around in a vest top, short trousers and sandals. So that day, it was really hard to believe I was still in England. Then came the rest of the week. There were days that we thought the caravan was going to blow over-standing out in the wind, you'd think you were going to be blown away! I think at one point, Alifie-Sharon's dog-was blown off his feet lol.

Yet even this bad weather didn't make it horrible. I loved being there. Absolutely loved it. It was just so peaceful. We went into a town one day, here when you go into town everyone is in a rush and pushing past you and it is just plain stressful, yet up there there was no one really rushing about, it was a much more pleasant experience.

I feel that a lot of good has come from this holiday and I have Sharon to thank for that. It has kind of given me some hope that I can get some form of my life back and I damn well intend to! :D

How does dyslexia affect me? It doesn't!

Well that is what I used to think, or at least, I believed it affected very little of my life. Yet since having my dyslexia confirmed by a test, I have realised that it does affect me in more ways than I thought.

I always thought my reading was good, I never enjoyed reading books because to me it was 'too much hard work'. I started to believe I was just lazy. Everyone else seemed to be okay with this reading lark and it sounds as though I am. Yet when I really look at it, I'm not. I rarely understand what it is I am reading. So I thought maybe I am just thick? Not so though, as when I heard what it says, rather than read it, I recode it in a way. I say it in a different way and then I understand it. I think I do it because for me I use so much of my short term memory trying to process what it is I am reading, I fail to remember what it is. I read things completely wrong also. I nearly lost a friend over reading something wrong. She text me and at the end of the text it said "this is the last thing I need right now, you falling out with me", I read it saying "this is the last thing I will write now you are falling out with me". I read it that way at least six times because I was in shock that she had written that. Yet I did not spot my own mistake until I had read it a good few times and that is when I text back. If I had just left it at that though and not re-read it a few times, I would not have text back at all and would have lost a friend over it lol.

The other day, for some reason, when I was reading out loud for my uni work, I understood and remembered every word. I really really enjoyed doing my work then, as I felt as though I was learning something. I didn't feel as frustrated. I could see that it fit in with what I was writing about and I could use it. So I thought that reading out loud helped me to understand. Wrong. The next day, while doing the same essay and reading out loud, I just could not get to grips with what I was reading. I could see that it should fit in, but I couldn't see how. I was so frustrated I wanted to throw my computer across the room! I knew I should understand it, but I just couldn't! I really did try but I just couldn't. This showed through in my essay. The first half sounded good and flowed well and I was really proud of it! The second half in my opinion is a complete mess. It is bitty and very hard to follow.

It also affects me in other ways. I am so disorganised it is shocking! Seriously nothing I have is organised. I try to start out well, but then it all falls to pieces. I can't get my head round being organised. I don't know how to go about it. I know all about colour coding and all of that but still I can't seem to get to grips with it. Even when it comes to getting all the ingrediants in I will need in order to cook meals for a week, I can't seem to get my head around it. I am sitting here getting frustrated at the thought of these things. I avoid being organised, doing anything that involves reading long paragraphs (not very easy when I am a student lol) cooking up meals from scratch. All sorts. Just because I can't handle how frustrated I feel when I'm doing them.

I honestly used to think I was just lazy but now I'm realising, I just need to do things a different way to most, as there is no way the usual way works for me. I have a tutor at uni now, which is really good as I'm learning new techniques. I just have to stick to it now!

One good thing though? I made it all the way to my second year of uni without help for my dyslexia, if that aint determination I have no idea what is! lol

a life limited

When I first decided to start this new blog, I decided it wasn't going to be all about my problems and for a while that worked. Yet the blog started to drivel off because realistically my life is most of the time my problems. I don't think there are many days that go by that I don't think about my issues. Don't get me wrong I don't sit and purposefully think about them, they are just always there.

Say I go out to a friends and have a really good enjoyable time, every single time without fail I am anxious I feel a fear that I will have a panic attack and make a fool out of myself. So I find that I tend to avoid situations where I am around people or where people expect anything from me because it is just too damn hard to try and be somewhat 'normal' around people.

Have you ever been scared? I mean really scared, where you feel that at any moment your life will be over? Where you feel a need to either run as fast as you can, or fight as hard as you can? In other words have you ever been in total fear of your life? If the answer is yes and you don't suffer with panic attacks then it is more than likely that it was due to an actual threat being present right? Now imagine no threat being present but getting all the symptoms of that fear.

My problem is I tend to spend my days worrying that I will get that reaction and it stays and niggles in my mind and I become really frightened. Scared that at any moment I will make a complete fool of myself by screaming that I am going to die, crying because I really believe I am going to die. Hyperventilating and becoming dizzy and basically spoiling everyone else's good time! So for me I find it easier to avoid being around people because then I don't have to worry about my anxiety kicking off. Although it still does, it just isn't as often as when I am with people.

This you can imagine impacts my life very negatively as I don't really have one! I spend my time basically in my house. I don't have the strength to continually fight it. I just feel too tired of fighting it. It is such a battle every day just to be half normal.

Then there is my depression, that s definitely a contributing factor to the way I am. Some days the thought of getting out of bed is a thought I cannot take. I find that when I wake up I think to myself "what fresh hell will be in store for me today then?" I don't wake up and just get on with the day. Some days I wake up and go back to sleep and just try to sleep as often as possible because it is an escape from the fear and sense of helplessness I feel. I find that easier to deal with than constantly having to pain a smile on my face and pretend al is okay.

I feel that every day is a struggle. and I have lost the will to fight it. People say I have a lot going for me but I cannot see it. For years I have feared what will happen if I never get better, if this is my entire life. How the hell will I be able to live with that? I don't even cope with every day life!

So you see, although in theory it is a good idea not to write about my problems. Most of the time my problems are my life and I feel this is the only way I can really express them. If people don't want to read about my problems, they don't have to read my blog do they? It really is quite simple!

Creative grooming-not so creative in my eyes!

I was looking at some video's of poodles being groomed because from what I have heard all this creative grooming is horrible for them and I must say, I would tend to agree. There are poodles made to look like entirely different animals. They have to sit there for 2 hours while their coat is turned into something different.

Hair spray is used right by their eyes and from some of the video's I ave seen very little attempt, if any, is made to cover the poodles eyes. Now let me ask you, would you spray hairspray on yourself or someone else without shielding your eyes? No! Because it hurts if it goes in your eyes!

Since when did animals become an object we can play with, and it be accepted as normal practise, with absolutely no concern for the animal that is going through it? Poodles especially suffer at the hands of this. I read one comment where a person said "Poodles often get groomed so to say it is cruel is ridiculous". Well no, I do not think it is ridiculous! For some of these, the poodles hair must have to be sooo thick and long to begin with, that right there I have an issue. I mean they are supposed to have their hair clipped so it does not give them a worse quality of life, yet here owners that profess to "Love their poodles" are making them suffer.

These are not our toys. These are not things we can do what we like to. They are animals, who want to live like animals! They don't want to sit there for hours on end, getting hair spray in their eyes and being groomed to "look the part". This is wrong and something needs to be done.

Dogs deserve so much better than we currently give them. I mean c'mon, why are we making them suffer like this and why the hell is it so acceptable to do so? Would it be so acceptable to do this if the end result was not cute? I highly doubt it. We don't allow people to neglect dogs and we don't allow people to physically harm dogs, so why the hell are we allowing this?

"Eating and food" complicated stuff

When I was growing up I had a little eating disorder. I was really good at hiding it. I used to pretend that I was having dinner at my neighbours at lunch I would just tell my mum that I had taken a sandwich to school, but I wouldn't have. I found ways to make people believe I was eating, I did eat, probably just not as much as I should have. At one point, eating anything made me heave, especially apples and potato's. I have gotten over the whole apple thing, but boiled potato's still send me sick to this day. I can't have them near any of my other food, because they really make me gag. Anyway at one point it had gotten so bad my periods stopped for I think a year. This still didn't seem to have any effect.

When I moved to Spain I found that it got a little worse. It was too hot to eat anyway, so I definitely did not get any better then. Then when I did eat, if I felt I had eaten too much, I would go and make myself sick because I was so scared and felt guilty I think. I think back then it was a way for me to control things. Although through all of this, my mum didn't seem to notice that I was really skinny and hardly ever ate in front of her. So I think I believed I had something that was mine and that I was in control and no one could take that away from me.

Once I started college and really started to work at it, I don't think I thought much about eating, I needed to eat to get energy to do well. So I think around that time, I just started to go with it and I put on 2 stone. I didn't notice though. Although other people still seemed to think I was too skinny and that could sometimes trigger off my no eating.

I think looking back I can see that I was ill and getting control over my life kinda took away my need to control my eating. I think after that I just allowed myself to eat what I wanted when I wanted and it was good for me.

However, I have now noticed that I have gone the other way. I eat crap all the time. Seriously I am always hungry. I could eat till I felt sick and I will still eat more. This drives me mad for two reasons, I had pigging out like that but I also hate not being in control of it, which I am not. I try to eat normally but I just have to snack all the time too.

So the other day I went to the doctors about it. Because feeling hungry and weak no matter what you eat, sure aint fun. I really have had enough of it. S she spoke to me about everything asked if I was making myself sick, which I'm not. Because I binge eat, so she thought maybe I was eating and puking but I'm glad to say I'm not.

She thinks it is highly likely that I am now using food as a comfort. She thinks it is most likely down to moods and due to my eating disorder in the past, it is clear that I use food as a means of feeling better.

So I'm going to have blood tests to confirm there is nothing wrong then we are going to try and get to the bottom of my relationship with food. I already have many messed up relationships in my life, good to add one more to that ha ha ha ha.

So I'm not perfect

Just sitting here thinking "Shit what have I done?" nothing more I can say really!