I'm not that girl from walderslade, but really I am

For the last 5 years, I can hand on heart say I have changed so much things in my life for the better. Five years ago, it was difficult for me to even go out the house. I feared everything. I wouldn't attempt anything, just in case I failed, because then I would feel shit about myself. As it was, I felt shit about myself anyway, as I never did anything to positively change my life. So I made a decision, I was going to do something. I couldn't just sit around hoping I'd just get better, without doing anything about it. So I decided to go to college.

I worked hard at being in college. Getting there and being there. But I did it. and I was bloody proud of it and for a long time I have believed that I had changed. I had become more confident. I was no longer the weak girl from walderslade I once was. I was strong and independent. I could do anything I wanted and I was happy talking to people I'd never met before.

However, I have increasingly noticed that I am still that girl from walderslade. I still feel as pathetic as her. I still feel as insecure as her and I still feel as though most people around me are better than me. I don't usually pay much attention to this. As far as I am concerned she is my past, I am my future. Yet this isn't the case.

Feeling as though you somehow cause trouble, are looked down upon by others (I know this is only how I feel and I have no real idea what other people are thinking about me), feeling as though everything you do is shite and feeling as though no matter what you do, people will eventually walk away, are horrible feelings. I don't think there is anything anyone could say or do to change those feelings in me though. As they come from a past I have as yet not dealt with.