Feeling the pressure

So being in my third year is tough. I always knew it was going to be tough but right now, I'm not even sure I can do it. I'm stressed by the amount of work I have on, and yet I seem to lose a lot of my motivation, I suppose because I am terrified that if I put everything I have into this and don't get a good mark, or even worse, fail, I will not believe I am able to do anything.

I honestly think it was a mistake going to university while I still have axiety and depression as that takes up so much of my time. Like yesterday for instance, I was sitting transcribing-and getting quite far may I add-when all of a suddon this massive wave of anxiety hit me. I wanted to carry on, I needed to carry on. I really do not have the time to be taking breaks due to anxiety, however I could not carry on. I had to stop because this anxiety was not going away. I tried to fight it, I tried to be strong, but the anxiety won out, yet again.

I strongly believe I would be doing much better right now, if it were not for the anxiety and depression. I would go to the library regularly, I would sit and study without suddenly being over come by fear. All these things would improve my grades massively. Yet I also know that there are plenty of people out there that don't even believe that I have anxiety in the firt place. I mean people often do not believe what they cannot see.

This is something I fnd I also struggle with. I have had anxiety for at least 8 years now, it comes to a point where you learn to only panic on the inside, and therefore it looks, much of the time, like I am simply making excuses. I wish I were. If I were making excuses, at least I'd be able to give myself a kick up the butt and get going again. Yet for me it is not as simple as that. When I kick myself up the butt, and force myself to do the things that scare me, I then find it makes things all the worse, I begin to crack under the pressure and begin to spirel back into an even worse state.

I was hoping, that while at uni, I would work on getting myself better. I would be able to come out of it, well and able to work a full time job. I am ashamed to say, this has not happened. There is no way when I finish I will be able to work. Even if I pass, I will still manage to feel like a failiur. I mean who goes to uni for three years and then comes out of it and goes on unemployment benefits? I know-or rather I believe-I have a good reason. Yet I still feel many people judging me as a result.

I do plan on somehow having a gradual reintroduction to work, as I believe that is the only way I will ever really be able to do it. Yet I fear this will not be good enough for many. I fear that many will still judge and believe me to be lazy. Sometimes I wish I could show outward signs of my anxiety, I wish people could see what it does. Yet that will never happen because I have become so cotrolled in it, that most of the time, when I am feeling extreme anxiety I appear to be completely normal.