back to the benefits system

A while ago, I wrote about how the benefits system had made my illness so much worse. Now I am going to update youa little on what has happened since.

I got yet another medical form-back in February last year- through which they said they never received. I asked for a new one to be sent out-near the end of March-and was told that I would not be granted an extension but I could put reasons for why it was late and the form would not be regarded as not returned. I received this form around mid to late April. As I was gearing myself up to fill it out (I hate doing these forms as I know they will bring me into a deep deep depression when I realise just how little I can do and just how much my mental health affects me) when a very good, personal friend sadly passed away. I was, to say the least, devistated. So I sent it back much later than I should have, not having filled it out, till around June time. I explained on the form why I hadn't got it back on time. I photocopied the form, but regretfully did not send it recorded delivery (again my mistake). I waited about two months to hear something (two very stressful months) until I rang again and asked what was happening, in August I was told they had not received my form AGAIN and when I asked what would happen was given very little information.

I rang nearly every day because I needed to know what was happening, my mind was close to exploding I was so worried. I rang again in September, I asked whether they had yet received my form and I was told that they had actually received my form back in JULY! So I was lied to and made to panic for well over a month, just because they felt like it I suppose?

Anyhow, when I asked what was happening, I kept being given the same line "it is still being looked over". I'd ask if I'd have to come in for a medical and got that response, was I going to lose my benefits? Same response. I was beyond the point of stress at this point. I was barley holding myself together, what with still grieving over someone I loved and my day to day mental health issues. Yet I could get nothing from them. Eventually (by this point I've lost count of dates and months) I rang and was told I'd have to come in for a medical. Now I really begin to freak out, I really don't want to have another medical where I have to disclose very personal information to a person who doesn't even specialise in mental health.

This time, conscious of the fact that many lies have been told about people in the past and almost certainly in my last medical, I asked for this medical to be recorded! If this request is made, they are obliged by law to ensure the medical is recorded. Now I know they only have a set amount of recording equipment, thatis shared between atos assessment centres (this boggles the mind too, surely if they have to fulfil a request to have something recoded, they should have the money to have the equipment, I mean it's not like they're not getting paid enough). We are now in February 2014, and my appointment for my medical is FINALLY going to be next week (assuming they don't cancel because they were mistaken in thinking they had the equipment on that day-yup that one has happened to me too). I have been stressed and worried about this for nearly a year now. My mental health has declined dramatically.

During all of this time, I get weekly calls (well they stopped in January-no idea why) from my WRAG 'support' officer. to see what is happening. Continuously telling me, they will have to bring me in for an appointment at some point (more stress yay) as it cannot always be over the phone. For this system to understand ones instability when it comes to illness of any kind, seems impossible. Can I go somewhere I have planned if it is not mandatory, most of the time. Can I do the same thing when I risk losing my benefits if I do not? No! Why you may ask, what's the difference? Simple. Pressure. Pressure of any kind at this moment in time makes me fold. I cannot handle it and my mental health begins to take a dramatic decent because I cannot see an end to it all. Just going round and round in the same circles inevitably doomed.

Then we have programs such as "benefit street" & "on benefits and proud" demonsing everyone on benefits. Editing out the bits that don't do just that. Making people on benefits look like dirty little scroungers who all need to just   get a job. Endless news paper articles about this scrounger and that scrounger and how terrible those on benefits are. People believing the economic decent of this country was bought down by those of us unfortunate enough to have to rely on benefits. Even though the clue is right there in what the crisis was called "the banking crisis" not the "benefit scrounger crisis"

This all adds more and more pressure to someone like me, I have a dream of one day working and living my life without all the issues I currently have, but all this pressure is not going to make that happen. I am ashamed to say, new years eve I began to take an overdose. I just wanted out from what I could only see a a roundabout of hell. Through my mental health and the benefits system. I just didn't feel I could take any more. I luckily found the strength to ring my mum and tell her to get home from work because I had started to take an overdose and I needed to get help NOW. So I did not end up taking that over dose, some people say that's a good thing, at times I think it is, at others, when I feel constantly hounded by the benefits system and the relentless press on scroungers, I don't think it was such a good thing. People ask me now, what stops you from doing it now? The honest answer is the risk of failing!

If anyone thinks life on benefits is easy, they are so wrong. If someone could give me my health back I'd be off benefits as quick as possible. I hate the system and the way it hounds me. I hate feeling like a useless member of society and I hate the fact that, that feeling is constantly reinforced daily by the media. I didn't go and get a degree to sit and do nothing with it. I do't choose to be ill, so for all those that think it's unfair I get "free money", personally I feel it is a lot more unfair that others have their health and freedom of choice. Please think about that next time you decide people on benefits are scum. You have choice, you CAN work. I've heard the point "it is horrible for those that go out to work every day, to see those on benefits with their curtains close having a lovely sleep in" take on this point though, it isn't so fun to be the one sitting doing nothing, when you see people going to work every day, just wishing that could be you. It's not so fun watching others lead a life you can only dream of because unfortunately for you, your freedom of choice was stolen from you by illness.

Suicidal, really?

Many years ago, someone said to me "if someone is truly suicidal they would just do it, they wouldn't tell you" and although I knew that I totally disagreed with this statement I didn't know why or have any real knowledge to back myself up. I just knew that this statement is very far from the truth.

Twice now, I myself have become suicidal, I will tell you about my most recent experience, because I believe this time it clarified a lot for me. I was laying in bed one night with thoughts of suicide jut going round and round in my head. How I would do it, when I would do it, what it would be like. In that night I had set out an entire plan for the next day! However, after starting to take an overdose, something stopped me. I decided to get help instead. I rang the crisis team who told me to go to A&E. By this point I was a total mess. I rang my mum and worked and begged her to come home. Which she did. She took me to an A&E that had a mental health unit. I was so scared for my safety, I truly felt I should be in hospital. They checked I was medically fit and sent down the liason team who, after seeing the disagnosis of a personality disorder, made up their minds that I was not going to be taken into hospital. I tried to explain how unsafe I was feeling, how scared I was feeling but it wasn't going to happen. They referred me back to the crisis team who made no contact with me what so ever. So I rang them two days later, on the Thursday (At this point I have been truly suicidal since monday evening) but I kept hanging on, sure that I would be seen once I'd spoken with the crisis team. However they informed me that they couldn't see me till monday. I couldn't believe it, Iwas expected to wait nearly a week since I sought help to stop me taking my life, before I saw anyone.

I lost it at this point, I just knew I couldn't do this any more. I completely broke down. I wanted to die more than anything in the world at this point. However my dad was in so I couldn't do anything. I felt completely at a loss, as to what to do. I just wanted it all too end and I couldn't see any other way out. Finally my mum got on the phone to them and managed to get me seen that day. Their answer? We'll put you on diazapam for a few weeks and continue to monitor you weekly for six weeks.

I felt like no one was really taking what I was saying seriously. No matter what I said, it seemed like they were saying "you're fine". The reason I believe for this? I truly believe many including health professions still believe that is someone wanted to commit suicide they just would.

Let me now explain what made me seek help rather than just kill myself. Firstly death isn't something I wanted. That is very important to understand. So I can hear many of you saying "so you musn't have wanted to kill yourself if death isn't what you wanted" but you would be wrong. I wanted the pain, the anguish, the constant battle, the overwhelming emotions to stop and death seemed to be the only way to make that happen. So death was just a side affect, but it did not change the fact that I very much wanted to commit suicide because then, all that, that I have just mentioned would stop and I was more than willing to allow death to be part of that.

Now I hear you saying "okay so you wanted to but you sought help so you couldn't 'really' have wanted to, right?" again wrong. I sought help because I had the tiniest bit of hope in me that maybe if I seek help, the pain and anguish will get taken away and I won't have to live this way any more. As I have mentioned I have been put on diazapam for a temporary  time. So at this moment in time, this all has gone away and I have no intention of committing suicide. This however is not a long term solution.



Trust me when I say, when someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, they are not just looking for attention, they need help.

Grief and loss are different

Grief is something I honestly believed I had experienced in my life. Something I believe was hard to get through but got better with time. I am learning that although in the past I have experienced loss, I have never truly grieved. I have never experienced the roller-coaster of emotions that go along with the loss of a loved one. While I'd lost people throughout my life, they'd never been people I saw regularly or was exactly close to and although losing them hurt, it wasn't really grief in its truest sense. Now I have learnt the meaning of grief and it feels like with time it only gets harder.

Losing someone you are close to and talk to nearly every day is hard to come to terms with. How can it be they are no longer here? How can I just never speak to them again? It seems to make no sense. Although death is part of life, and something we all experience, when it happens to someone close to you, the logic goes out of the window and suddenly it is incomprehensible that this could happen.

Recently I lost someone that I was extremely close to and I never realised how much they meant to me, until I could no longer talk with them. I depended on this person in ways I never knew. I felt safe, because I knew that no matter what they would always be there for me, that was just the type of person they were. Suddenly losing that has bought with it a whole host of emotions that I have never really experienced in this way before.

For example today I was walking into a building with my mum and I was talking about keys, and I said that many people found it strange that I had my mum and dads house keys and then went on to say that people also found it strange that I had, this persons house keys. This for some reason bought me to the point of tears. I was just standing there trying my hardest to hold back the tears. Yet other times I can talk about this person and not cry a single tear. The longer since the loss, the harder that seems to be.

You see when you first lose someone, I think in the back of your mine, subconsciously you don't really believe they are gone, it's like it isn't real. Like it never happened in the first place. You've been to the funeral, you've said your goodbye's but it still doesn't seem in any way real. You still expect to be able to pop round and see them, have a chat with them. Tell them what's going on. For a while I think it is easier to just feel as though they're not available. The longer since they have passed though, the harder that gets. You start to realise there is nothing you can do, you will never be able to talk to them ever again. Never be able to tell them about your achievements, see them laugh, nothing and that's when it becomes hard to take.

When you do something positive, it becomes bitter sweet because you feel good that you have done this positive thing but you want to tell this person and you can't. So suddenly you're crying again. Other times you just feel generally happy. As though everything is okay, then something small will remind you of them an you begin to feel angry at yourself for smiling and being able to go on, even though they're not here. Then you start to feel guilty because you know that's not what they would have wanted. They of course would want you to be happy. Being happy in a time of grief will always be bitter sweet though.

I have found that I can go from looking at a picture of a sweet (not even one this person has ever mentioned in the time I have known them) to thinking about how much you miss them, in just a few short thoughts. It is like everything you do reminds you of them and sometimes you wish it would stop. Sometimes you don't want to be reminded all the time but then you feel once again guilty, because how can you not want to be reminded of someone you loved?

Grief and loss are most definitely two different things. I can say without a doubt this is the first time I have ever truly grieved. I miss this person every day and I would do anything to bring them back. I will always remember them and I know life has to go on. Sometimes though, it just feels wrong for life to go on as normal when someone that was so important to me is no longer here.

The new benefits system and mental healh treatment

There are many things in this blog post that I am not happy to be sharing but I feel strongly that people need to tell their stories about what the benefits system is really doing to people. So I have decided to ignore everything in me that is telling me not to post this, and post it anyway. I believe that keeping quiet is only giving this government more power and I no longer wish to allow this government to continuously tell lies about what they are setting out to do with the benefits system-so here is my story-please do not judge me too harshly lol

 This has resulted in me claiming ESA and DLA. I finished a degree in Psychology and counselling in May last year and gave myself a year to recover from the mental health issues I have had for ten years now. I wanted to get better, get a job and save to do my masters, so that I could eventually become a counsellor and help people in my situation.

The problem I have found with this is two fold. First is actually getting treatment to suit me. The only treatment that seems to be available on the NHS is CBT-which I have previously had to no avail and medication, which the side affects of are always too much for me to get through. I have found that I am now blamed for my illness and viewed as someone that "doen't want help" which is incorrect. I do want help and I do want treatment, I just want a treatment that suits me. Any mental health professional knows that no one form of therapy suits every single person. Yet this is no longer coming across. CBT is cheap and fast and therefore the only form of therapy that I seem to be able to get. While the figures for the success rate of CBT may look impressive at first glance-at around 49%-this still leaves 51% of people that make no improvement throughout CBT treatment. So I fail to understand how this can possibly be seen as a treatment that helps all.

Further to this on follow up studies a year after treatment the success rate fell to 39% and two years are this fell to 18% of people successfully helped through CBT-it also found that during this period some paitients had received further treatment. Also the majority of the 18% were the ones that scored at the bottom end for meeting the criteria for an anxiety condition. Which suggests that for people with a more severe case of anxiety-such as myself-CBT is of absolutely no use. Yet this seems to be the treatment continuously pushed upon people. I myself have often felt hopeless as a result of CBT not working as so many professionals will tell you the only time it doesn't work is when you don't put the effort in-not really a good thing to say to people with mental health issues-especially when the failure rate is so high.

The second wall I find I face in my recovery is the constant badgering I get through the benefits system, to go for medicals, fill out medical forms to prove my illness. I am constantly found to be in the medium term and work can be considered in 6 months. This means that while 6 months sounds like a long time in reality this drops to 4 months before the whole process starts again.

I will receive a medical form 2 months before the date that my review needs to be done. I filled it out, sent it back (filling out the form on its own is extremely stressful because you have to admit to yourself all the ways in which your illness affects your life-I have found this has made me a lot more depressed than normal).
I sent it back and had a very worrying two month wait until I heard anything. This sent my anxiety through the roof and I became extremely irrational. I lost friends during this period as I became paranoid and starting attacking people-verbally-that I care about. In the end I ended up at the hospital as my friend was worried that I would do something stupid. I had become suicidal at the time and the thought of taking my own life became very rational to me. After months of not self harming I began to self harm again.

I eventually received a letter to say I am in the work related activity group, which means the DWP consider me to be someone who is ready to work on returning to the work place. However they do not wish to give me any mental health support to get there. They make no allowances for my illness, I get an appointment for my meetings with my advisor at Cheshire training and I have no choice but to attend-despite the fact that I can have days when I am so anxious I find it impossible to get out of bed, let a lone out of the house! I cannot guarantee which days these will be and therefore I may be unable to attend on the day of my appointment, yet if this happens I get sanctioned.

I did a degree while ill and not only did I find it a lot less stressful and worrying but I found they were more accommodating to my illness. They made allowances because of my illness, I was under a lot less pressure there than I am now. To me this makes no sense. How can it be an academic setting is more supportive of an illness than the benefit system that s set up to support me during my time of illness?

The only way to describe what they are doing is it feels like they are poking you constantly saying "are you ready for work now?" "you need to get out to work" "you need tough love" "you should be at work by now" while at the same time giving me no suitable treatment for me, to get me there!

The way they are treating people like me is not likely to get anyone out to work, it is not tough love, there is no love involved in any of this. The compassion has gone out of this government and again the poor are being made to pay. I am one month off of my year deadline and I am a lot worse not better. This new system is not only, not helping me back into work, it is also guaranteeing that I will be unlikely to be well enough to return to work for a very very long time!

What is really the measure of success?

Why is it in this society success is often measured by the possessions we have? The money we make? Why is it not measured by how happy we are?

I want to do a job that won't exactly make me rich but it will make a difference in a few people's lives. That will make me happy. Knowing that for someone, their life will be changed for the better, due to the work I do. Yet because it won't make me loads of money, I will not be seen as a success?

When I was growing up, we weren't rich, we had very little money to our name. This made people look down on us. Made people think "I wouldn't want to be like them" the thing is though, my parents are kind, loving, loyal people, who will help those they care about. To me that is success. The fact that they are good people who have people in their lives who they are about, is more important than the brand of the clothes on their backs.

I want to be someone who will always be there for others. Who will always aim for happiness over money. Of course we all need money to survive. All I want to be able to do though, if live comfortably. Be able to pay my bills, buy new clothes every now and again. Basically not have to really struggle for money. If I can get that, I will be happy.

I believe success should be measured by happiness. Money is something that we earn, something that gives us the ability to feed our families, pay our bills and go on a holiday once or maybe twice a year. Happiness is the thing that makes our life complete and for some people happiness can only come with money.

I challenge you though, if you believe happiness can only come with money, look around at all the people in your life, the animals, the every day things that make you smile and ask yourself, would you give it all up to be rich? I know I won't!

Finding me

So I have found out, there are people I have never ever met in my entire life who search my username online and look at all the things I  have done under that user name, simply because I disagree with them online. This seems very odd to me. I don't like them one bit, I haven't spoken with most of them in a while though, it appears they seem to have some sort of obsession with me. I do not understand this.

If people can become this obsessed with someone they have never met, that is alarming. It is not like I am famous or anything. I am just a person who does not agree with them. They are probably reading this, getting wound up, that they cannot respond. Why though? What is the point?

I know myself I have at times allowed myself to become very involved in these arguments and allowed it to become personal, but contact with these people has now been cut. I have no contact with them. I am simply in a group that they are in but they never comment. Surely they should leave it alone now? The time should have come for them to move on from our arguments.

The funny thing is, they are not just obsessed with me. There is another member they also do not get on with and they seem to have a little obsession with her too. In fact I swear they think we have magical powers that means we control the internet.

They seem to believe I attention seek as I share things about my personal life online. Because I am NOT ashamed to have suffered with mental health issues. This does not make me an attention seeker. I do this online because I have the freedom to do so. In fact if you put my user name into google a lot of pages will come up with posts from me in different groups. These groups are for people with mental health issues such as my own. If they bothered to read it they would see though, that some of the posts are also comments on other peoples threads offering support. I do this because it does not come back and bite me in the arse in my real life. It is separate from my real life. People from me real life are not members in these groups and even though I have fallen out with people in my real life, none of them have felt the need to become so obsessed with me that they search my username and discuss what they found.

I honestly hope these people get help, seriously. They need to learn to let go. Neither myself nor Donna have any magical powers. We do not control the internet, I think I would have money for things like therapy and the such like if I had any control over the internet what so ever. I really do feel for them. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to become so obsessed with two people they have never met.

Inside my head

Inside my head I am a mess, feeling completely absorbed by stress. Like there is no escape.While outwardly I smile; laugh; say all the right things, inwardly I am screaming for someone to help me please. 

With no idea how to cope or even how to let go, I find I want to scream and cry and let this all out. Yet something inside my head is saying "no you cannot show that level of vulnerability", telling me I cannot cry, I cannot scream I cannot allow myself to be out of control. I cannot allow myself to let it flow out. 

Every day I wake up wondering whether this will ever change but surely there must be an answer? Something deep within. A reason I am like this, a reason it can be over come. How do I find this though? What do I do?

So many seem to think I make this out to be worse than it is, when they see me out and about they assume I must be fine. They do not see the struggle inside, the voice in my head screaming that I cannot do this. The adrenaline, telling me to run. The amount I have to push myself just to get out of the door. Sometimes I want to stop pushing myself so hard, I want to just let it be, but I know I cannot do that, as I do not want to end up a prisoner in my own flat. I have to push myself, I have to try and go out.

Some days I manage to control the fear, instead of the fear controlling me. I work hard to make sure no one can see that right in that moment I am having a panic attack. This does not mean I do not struggle, I do not fight and I simply just make it out worse than it is, it means I have become good at hiding what is reallly going on in my head at that moment in time.

Yet no matter how hard I try, how much I push myself, no matter what I do, I just cannot seem to get past this wall, that in there standing between me and getting better. I try to break it down, I try to keep on going, but still it stays knocking me back at every attempt.

I sometimes wonder how much more I can take? Whether I can continue to fight and to be. Yet I know I have to fight, I know I have to be. I want to live, just not with this pain and fear. I want to be free of it, I want to be okay.

I wish my life were a little simpler and not so hard to get through and just be.